As part of our ongoing plan of world domination, we at Wood Key are slowly lulling you all into a false sense of security. I won’t go into the details, and probably shouldn’t mention the plan. But my backspace key isn’t working, so we’ll just move on.
We all like having something to look forward to, and what could be better than a badly written and directed 80’s action movie starring Steven Seagal? Quite a lot, actually. In fact, nearly everything. But it’s a poor week for tv movies, so this will have to do. So I present “Nico: Above The Law”
Before he went bat-shit crazy, crashed police tanks into people’s homes, released energy drinks and beat up his co-stars while claiming to have invented martial arts, Steven Seagal made some truly memorable movies. Don’t get me wrong, they were god awful. But they stay with you. Kind of like an STD.
Seagal is Nico Toscani, an Italian who learned martial arts in Japan, worked for the CIA in Vietnam and is now a cop in Chicago. That was genuinely an acceptable backstory for characters in the 80’s. “Nico” was Seagal’s first film and all of his others would follow this formula of a martial artist who now has an unassuming job. It’s worked for him, so can you really blame him for sticking to what he knows?
If you’ve never seen a Seagal movie, then in you’re for a treat. This one is terrible and perfect for making drinking games out of. Every time something stupid happens, take a sip. Every time Seagal says a one-liner that doesn’t actually fit the situation, take a sip. Every time you look at your watch and wonder how much more of this you have to suffer through, knock back your drink. You’ll be plastered within a half hour.
“Nico” doesn’t have the high production values of “Under Siege”, the hilariously on the nose environmental message of “On Deadly Ground” or the terrible dubbing of his later films (he actually put so little effort into those films that they had to dub over all his dialogue because it was unintelligible when filmed. Seriously, check it out!).
But it is a little gem of a movie. Action movies have lost something in recent times. I think it’s that they make an effort, which is never a good thing when you want a movie you don’t have to think about. No, the 80’s did it right: a nonsensical plot, a lead actor who can’t act and that certain “what the hell am I watching?” feeling that you just don’t get these days. No, these days actions movies are actually enjoyable.
So, that’s why I’ve chosen “Nico” as my Movie of the Week. That and, as I said, it’s a poor week for TV movies.
Nico is on TV3 on Saturday 28th May at 23:00.